When I Was Young
by Lonelysubmarine
Summary: It’s not like Nate hadn’t fallen in love before; Blair and Serena must have counted for something. Chuck/Nate.


**Title:** When I Was Young.  
**Rating:** R  
**Word Count:** 1,736  
**Pairing/Character:** Chuck, Nate. Chuck/Nate.  
**Summary:** Chuck just nods and Nate thinks this might work after all.  
**Warnings:** Slash, and some Angst.  
**Author's Note:** Um. It was my first Gossip Girl fanfiction and I'm happy about it.

**_When I Was Young_**

He walked past Chuck's building, knowing that whatever was going on inside was something he didn't want to think about, because he doesn't want to know what's going on without him there. Loving his best friend, who he doesn't really know if he's really his friend or if it's just the lack of genuine people around them, is one thing; being in love with him is something totally different.

It's not like Nate hadn't fallen in love before; Blair and Serena must have counted for something. Chuck always said that it was never love, just notches in his bed post, but he's never bedded Blair and Serena was more than that, he_ knew_ she was; she had to have been.

For so long he'd thought that falling in love felt the same as being in love. He can remember when that changed, when his entire thoughts about love shifted, changed, and shaped themselves into something new.

Chuck handed him something, he's not sure what anymore because he's over thought it too much, and their hands brushed. He felt something jolt up his body and he knew, without any doubt, that he'd fallen in love with his best friend. He'd never realized that he'd fallen in love with Blair and Serena so fast; falling in love with Chuck seemed to have been a gradual thing. That was the moment he_ knew_, _not_ that moment it happened. He wasn't sure what was happening with his life anymore.

"What's wrong Nate, you're all tense?" Nate looks over the table at Chuck before shifting most of his attention, all that he can spare that's not rapped up with Chuck, to Blair who's voice sounds actually concerned.

"Nothing, I'm just tired. A lot of things have been happening." He knows that Chuck would have known he didn't want to speak of it, it being his father and his ghastly drug problem, any longer. He's _so_ completely sure of it, but Blair doesn't seem to know when to shut up.

"What's going on?" She just looks at him for a moment and he considers stealing a glance at Chuck, who he's sure knows him better than he knows himself, but decides that it would only make what he was going to do harder, for him.

"Blair," he whispers into her ear and he watches her shiver because his breath is falling on her neck, "Can we just go back to your room?"

She nods slightly and grabs Nate's wrist, leading him into her room, because they're at her house and were eating but that never seems to pan out well. She steals _his_ look at Chuck and he knows that she can do that and have it not be weird, pleading or possibly sexual; he never could, because it would be all three of those things and things he can't think of right now. So he lets Blair lead him to the room, push him on the bed and he closes his eyes.

He hopes than maybe if she didn't make the noises that she's making, he can think its Chuck. But she asks why he has his eyes close, why he won't open them, and if he's thinking about Serena. He doesn't answer her and she gets angry and leaves him there, pants undone, shirt unbuttoned and falling off. He's got the start of marks on his chest and neck.

Chuck comes in and just gives him this look, it's so very Chuck it almost hurts, before speaking, "You really screwed up Nathaniel. Thinking of Serena again?"

Nate looks up at Chuck and thinks that maybe he _doesn't_ know, like he thought he did. He's not sure what the look on his face is like but he knows that Chuck Bass doesn't stand for it, this look Nate gives him, and walks out of Blair's room, leaving him too.

Nate doesn't understand why, but he understands the feeling; love. So when he watches Chuck put notches in his bed post he feels like he's been stabbed and no one wants to help, no one's willing because the only one who would is the one doing it.

He feels likes he's tumbling down a rabbit hole that Chuck built special, just for him, and it's more like a bottomless pit as the days, weeks and months go by.

"Chuck, I don't think -" His lips on Nate's cut him off. He loves the feel of Chuck and how well he thinks they fit together, he's not sure if it's just wishful thinking or not, he hopes for the former but knows that the latter is most likely, this is Chuck Bass he's talking about.

"I never took you for a thinker, Nathaniel." Chuck finally says, after what seems like ages of their bodies being together. Nate wants to scoff at him but doesn't because he doesn't want him to get the wrong idea and leave him again.

Nate starts to get the feeling that, like Serena before Chuck, he will try to do nothing wrong so that he stays. He thinks it worked better on Serena than it probably will on Chuck and everyone of their friends know how that turned out, Chuck knows better than most though.

He thinks he might fall apart if Chuck left him alone again and doesn't, honestly, know how he would, or even could, handle having _another_ person leave, physically or metaphorically.

He can feel Chuck moving and he can't believe this isn't another one of his dreams; he's had so many that go like this. He almost says something about it, but bites his tongue; he knows that Chuck will stop and get another lay somewhere else if he opens his mouth. That thought sends a shiver through him, makes him feel like he's drowning, and Chuck speeds up their rhythm, taking it the wrong way, and comes sooner than Nate expected.

"We'll have someone clean it tomorrow." Nate just looks at the man lying on top of him and sighs to himself before helping Chuck shift his body weight.

"Okay," He leaves so many words unsaid. He wishes that he could say what he wanted without worrying that he would leave at the sound, the want, the need of his words.

He knows that Chuck's going to sleep, he always sleep after putting another notch in his post, and hears something that he knows can only be wishful thinking. It doesn't matter to Nate anymore because when Chuck's asleep, when he knows for sure, he whispers, "I love you," into Chuck's soft hair and falls asleep.

He knew that he wouldn't be there when he woke up, it doesn't help the blow any though. He still feels like crying, but he doesn't cry; real men don't, right? Even when they've had their hearts broken?

He feels hopeless; he's still in the bottomless pit of a rabbit hole. He wakes up one morning and cries, he knows he shouldn't but he can't help it. Being in love with so many people royally fucks him up and he's not sure he can go on without telling someone. He would always tell Chuck about everything, because if no one wanted to hear it, Chuck didn't the most, which Nate interpreted as 'I care. I just don't want to show it, to anyone.'

"Chuck, can I talk to you?" Chuck sits up in the bed and just looks at Nate, no expression readable on his face. Nate moved to sitting on the edge of the white couch.

"Feel free Nate," he almost has a heart attack, his heart is racing so fast about what was just said. He feels everything click and knows that Chuck is not his answer, but no one walks away from Chuck Bass, he remembers that conversation with perfect clarity; that's the day he knew he loved Chuck. No one; Nate's apparently no one, but he already knew that.

"Nate, please talk to him, he's no fun when you two fight." Blair clings to him, she'd gotten over the Serena thing, he hoped for good; promises, promises.

"You know Blair, I think I might be over him," he can't believe he just said that, but Blair doesn't seem to catch on until she makes eye contact. She acts like she doesn't know what he means.

"Over him how, Nate?" He almost shudders at that, but stops himself; why bother.

"How ever you'd like. Either or, it doesn't matter to me a bit," he's quite pleased with himself at the fact that that's the first time he's ever said anything of that caliber out loud.

She lets go of him and he knows that she's gone. (Three down, no more to go.)

He's free. He understands when school finally ends, when summer _finally _comes, that he's better off alone. He wants to get away from _them_ and his family, so he tries.

Chuck finds him though and it's shattered; his façade. It's almost too cliché for him to handle. He's in the university library, studying for an important paper that's due in three days, and he feels a hand run the length of his shoulder. He turns in his chair and sees Chuck who doesn't say a word and doesn't have too.

They've both grown, he discovers. Chuck's stopped bed hopping and stopped keeping notches in his brain. Nate's realized that love isn't what life's made of, its part of life but not all there is. He tells Chuck how hard it was to come to that conclusion, but how wonderful it felt when he finally arrived there. Chuck asks him, in the middle of the conversation, if he loved him.

"_Loved_, being the key word, Chuck." He knows that his voice is bitter and cold, but he doesn't care. He lived so long keeping it bottled inside, hoping that he didn't hurt anyone, to care. He doesn't want to hurt Chuck, but he will; if he has too, he's not beyond that.

"Well I love you." He's shocked that Chuck, _Chuck Bass_, would admit to something like love; then he remembers that they've both grown, except maybe he's holding on too tightly to the Chuck that broke his heart, that was the final straw.

"Chuck, do you think we could be friends, again? I do mean real friend though, not fake money friends." Chuck just nods and Nate thinks this might work after all.


End file.
